Tears of the Kingdom Fans Are Using Penises To Kill Bosses

Ever since The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom released on May 12, fans have been obsessed with the game’s new crafting abilities. With Link’s new skills, including Fuse and Ultrahand, players are build nonsense like planes and tanks to commit war crimes in the kingdom of Hyrule. But there is one thing people can’t help but create: dicks, dicks, shlongs, penises, wangs; you understand.

Learn more: Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom Players take forever in the massive tutorial area

Critics called the sequel Breath of the Wild a certified classic, which makes excellent use of the Switch’s aging hardware. And with Link’s many new rune abilities that allow him to combine items or rewind an item’s place in the world, people are letting their imaginations run wild. Like, really wild.

Hyrule Kingdom can’t escape the dicks

Link gets a whole new suite of runic abilities in TotK that replaces his old BotW abilities. So say goodbye to things like Magnesis and Stasis and instead say hello to things like Ascend and Autobuild, two skills that allow Link to glide through solid surfaces and instantly build previous creations. respectively. Fuse and Ultrahand are mixed together, abilities that give Link the power to combine items to create anything from giant mechs to pickup trucks. And while people are totally building these things, many players here are flooding Hyrule Realm with dicks. So many cocks, in fact.

You’ve got flamethrower, thick cocks, cars that look like dicks, cock rockets, cocks with rocks for balls-The list goes on and on and on. Hell, Twitter user HKSIcabb even had our Hero of the Wild ride a dick…a raft.

Meanwhile, hideyopo made a wheeled mecha monster that sprayed a patch of hyrulean grass with his water-squirting dick.

What is going on? Why are TotK fans just days after launch stuck on dicks? There are some interesting theories, like a Freudian fear of castration or the idea that it’s all a dick measuring contest. Glamor wrote in 2017 that dick drawings are actually about toxic masculinity– which is not so surprising. Even Kotaku pondered this question in a blog from 2013, speaking to developers and psychologists about why dicks are everywhere in games. And even though we’ve come to the conclusion that drawing a dick is “pushing the limits”, there’s another simpler answer here: dicks are fun.

They are (mostly) hairy and (sometimes) curved. They come in different shapes and sizes and more often than not function as if they have a mind of their own. They are bizarre, serving both comedy and sexuality. And as Maxim wrote in 2015, dicks are fun for “despite what they mean, there is no real place for them in the world, and yet they are there”.

Learn more: Tears Of The Kingdom Could Include The Zelda Series’ First Gay Character

These are facts. Because no matter where you look online, from TikTok to Reddit to Twitter, there’s a TotK dick. They are almost unavoidable now. At least Autobuild’s other abilities, Fuse, Ultrahand and Link can be used for something other than genitals –although players use them for torture. I guess our weird code nature hero is actually nature’s war criminal. Whoops.