Four Features That I Must Insist Every Video Game Includes

I have played many games in my life. I say “lives” because I’ve lived many different lives, all of which have been incredibly quiet and mostly revolved around different games.

Features are what makes a game. A lot of people say that. If you talk to a game developer and ask, “What constitutes a video game?” it will reply: “Features”. Come on, ask one of them. If they don’t have that answer, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m just spitting here. Sometimes I just say stuff. It makes no sense.

If you don’t have a game with features, what do you? I don’t know, a movie? But even movies have special features if you buy the DVD, Blu-Ray or 4K Ultra HD Blu-Ray. Sometimes in these special features you will find games. It’s funny how life works like that.

Anyway, I have played a lot of games and enjoyed a lot of features in the games. On that note, I’d like to tell you the features I think every game should strive to include in their experience, based on the games I’ve played over my many lifetimes.

I’m not asking much of you, I’m just asking God’s love that you take a look.

An ugly little guy who is annoying and everyone hates

You see this in video games all the time. A little guy who is just terrible to look at, usually with a squeaky voice, and always with a lot to say. I believe that even though he already exists in many games, a horrible little asshole should exist in all video games.

I suggest this guy. His name is Beremy, and he’s said to be the most common character in the game. He’s incredibly rude, always around, will give you advice that doesn’t help, and there’s literally no part of the game he doesn’t. ‘is not. Moreover, he is in love with you.

Press a button to scream

Do you know that in Dog’s Life, there is a button that allows you to shit/fart? I think that’s great. However, I think it’s really gotten a bit old, and every game having a shit/fart button would probably be a bit isolating for anyone who doesn’t shit/fart.

That being said, I think every game should have a Scream button. Why not? There’s not a single game that wouldn’t benefit from being able to start screaming. Not only would it be a relief in stressful games, but it could also be used to scare things away in times of desperate need.

Realistic autoplay

Idle games are all over the autoplay feature, and I think that’s really overkill and unrealistic. These autoplay modes always seem to benefit the player and most of the time do not reflect how a player would actually play the game.

For this reason, I think games with and without autoplay should have realistic autoplay, which automatically plays the game very poorly. I also think there should be a warning in advance that says: ” DISCLAIMER: This is how we think you would play the game. If this hurts you, you may want to try playing the game.

Inevitable calls to your personal mobile from the worst character in the game

Remember how Overwatch 2 wanted people to be forced to add their cell phone numbers to their accounts? I think it’s a great idea, just for the purpose of this feature. I think all games should include unavoidable 3 hour phone calls on your real phone with the worst character in the game (see Feature 1).

In this phone call, you need to audibly respond to the character with things like “Wow!” and “That’s really insightful!”, and you have to mean it. The 3 hour phone call will consist of the character talking about a putrid growth that has appeared on their inner thigh, and they will go into detail about all the “natural remedies” they have used that didn’t work. You cannot hang up.

This story originally appeared on australia.