Crime Boss: Rockay City, a game announced last year with a trailer that seemed like the world’s most untimely April Fool’s joke (it was in December), came out! You may not know it, because nobody talks about it.

If a game is good, people will talk about it. If a game is bad, people will talk about it too. If a game is bad in a way that also makes it interesting, we talk about it, and if a game is bad in an incredibly funny way, then, again, we talk about it. Maybe it’s a 1000-word piece of impressions on Kotaku.com, maybe it’s a bunch of tweets, maybe it’s a series of videos about bloopers and misadventuresthese are all ways you (or someone, anyone) can talk about a video game.

This is important, because talking about a video game is the only way for us as a culture to keep a game alive. I don’t want to dwell on it too much on this post – which doesn’t have the bandwidth for it – but disks on a shelf are just pieces of plastic, and code on a hard disk is just 1 and 0s, which hang around. We are the ones who experience them, build memories/opinions about them and then share them with other people, who make video games what they are. What is all of this, what I write, what you read, the communities you form and are part of, if not just an important way for us to share our thoughts on video games ?

Anyway, what I mean here is that there’s room and wiggle room to talk about almost every video game on the planet, love them or hate them. Except Crime Boss: Rockay City. Of which no one (except me, here, in great distress) speaks, even though he has been out for almost a month. And now I know why.

I “played” this, as far as you can submit to sit and experience this game. And I found myself unable to review it, or even give my thoughts on it, in the way standard “hey check this out”. I was so disgusted by its packaging, so impressed with how it gets absolutely everything it sets out to do wrong that I feel like I have to write this and post it on the site just so that can someone else reassure me that all of this really happened.

Rockay City is a fever dream. It’s the outline of a video game, colored by tortured ghosts from the 80s and 90s. It’s like a fraudulent powerpoint presentation for a blockchain game, only with sections containing the actual gameplay. Here’s the game’s launch trailer (it’s out, you can buy it and even play it) to show that I’m not making this up:

Crime Boss: Rockay City – Official Launch Trailer

Michael Madsen carried the burden of 1000 lives in the recording studio for this, and none of them put on a good performance. Serial asshole Chuck Norris is so lifeless that a text-to-speech system from the 80s could have done a better job delivering his lines. Agents Kim Basinger and Danny Glover should be fired for this. And Vanilla Ice… well, Vanilla Ice is really great here, I have nothing bad to say about Vanilla Ice.

There is writing in Rockay City in the most qualifying sense, in that there are words in the English language that come after other words, but the question of whether these form complete and coherent sentences is up for debate. There’s also a plot, much like the key art and promo tweet for a Grand Theft Auto Online mission has a plot.

There’s no vision here beyond “here’s some stuff that might sound cool to the guys who also got into Johnny Depp’s lawsuit and whose two favorite movies are Resorvoir Dogs and Scarface.” There’s no context or cohesion either, though visually everything has the same generic crime-game sheen you’d expect from a clone of a clone of a GTA clone on Xbox 360. Watch Rockay City , is to be shaken from the inside of a shipping container full of Ed Hardy jeans and Steven Seagal films.

6 Minutes of Crime Boss: Official Rockay City Gameplay

What’s it like to play? See above. You sneak around a bit, you shoot some guys – who are often innocent people and take a lot of bullets – and then you shoot a lot more, because Rockay City never knows when to turn the volume down. It’s a “Level 99 Crime Boss” mobile game with the violent aspirations (or lack of a moral compass) of a late ’90s PC shooter.

Rockay City spent real money, paid for real Hollywood involvement. It was a detective game, he had guns, he spent enough money on marketing that he somehow appeared in a Kotaku.com announcement article, that should have meant something to someone. Yet we have, to our collective credit, rejected this game outright. The game doesn’t just suck, even the idea that it sucks. It’s a conceptual disaster. Nobody talks about it, nobody plays with it; the game is only available on PC, but not on Steam, and its official subreddit has… 242 members.

I can’t say Rockay City is good. I can’t say it’s bad beyond the ways I’ve already described it (but here is his Metacritic page if you want to broaden your horizons). I can’t say it’s so bad that it’s good. Honestly, I don’t think traditional video game quantizers work here. This isn’t a 2023 game release, it’s a black hole in the middle of it, sucking in light and energy and carrying old actors into its void.

I have played many games in my life. I say “lives” because I’ve lived many different lives, all of which have been incredibly quiet and mostly revolved around different games.

Features are what makes a game. A lot of people say that. If you talk to a game developer and ask, “What constitutes a video game?” it will reply: “Features”. Come on, ask one of them. If they don’t have that answer, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m just spitting here. Sometimes I just say stuff. It makes no sense.

If you don’t have a game with features, what do you? I don’t know, a movie? But even movies have special features if you buy the DVD, Blu-Ray or 4K Ultra HD Blu-Ray. Sometimes in these special features you will find games. It’s funny how life works like that.

Anyway, I have played a lot of games and enjoyed a lot of features in the games. On that note, I’d like to tell you the features I think every game should strive to include in their experience, based on the games I’ve played over my many lifetimes.

I’m not asking much of you, I’m just asking God’s love that you take a look.

An ugly little guy who is annoying and everyone hates

You see this in video games all the time. A little guy who is just terrible to look at, usually with a squeaky voice, and always with a lot to say. I believe that even though he already exists in many games, a horrible little asshole should exist in all video games.

I suggest this guy. His name is Beremy, and he’s said to be the most common character in the game. He’s incredibly rude, always around, will give you advice that doesn’t help, and there’s literally no part of the game he doesn’t. ‘is not. Moreover, he is in love with you.

Press a button to scream

Do you know that in Dog’s Life, there is a button that allows you to shit/fart? I think that’s great. However, I think it’s really gotten a bit old, and every game having a shit/fart button would probably be a bit isolating for anyone who doesn’t shit/fart.

That being said, I think every game should have a Scream button. Why not? There’s not a single game that wouldn’t benefit from being able to start screaming. Not only would it be a relief in stressful games, but it could also be used to scare things away in times of desperate need.

Realistic autoplay

Idle games are all over the autoplay feature, and I think that’s really overkill and unrealistic. These autoplay modes always seem to benefit the player and most of the time do not reflect how a player would actually play the game.

For this reason, I think games with and without autoplay should have realistic autoplay, which automatically plays the game very poorly. I also think there should be a warning in advance that says: ” DISCLAIMER: This is how we think you would play the game. If this hurts you, you may want to try playing the game.

Inevitable calls to your personal mobile from the worst character in the game

Remember how Overwatch 2 wanted people to be forced to add their cell phone numbers to their accounts? I think it’s a great idea, just for the purpose of this feature. I think all games should include unavoidable 3 hour phone calls on your real phone with the worst character in the game (see Feature 1).

In this phone call, you need to audibly respond to the character with things like “Wow!” and “That’s really insightful!”, and you have to mean it. The 3 hour phone call will consist of the character talking about a putrid growth that has appeared on their inner thigh, and they will go into detail about all the “natural remedies” they have used that didn’t work. You cannot hang up.

This story originally appeared on australia.

Screenshot: Stutter Fox Studios

It’s Black Friday, the day when the entirety of planet Earth completely takes a break from its senses and spends all its money on things it doesn’t need for 5% less than it would have cost. yesterday. Planet Earth this year bought itself a brand new moon, even though the old one is fine, just because this one has Bluetooth. So let’s distract ourselves from all that by discovering 12 amazing new games.

As is always the case with Indiegeddon, I don’t vouch for these games, as I haven’t played any of them. Instead, I just think they look interesting, exciting, scary, or so weird that I couldn’t not write about them. Most of them haven’t been released yet, but the most useful thing you can do for developers is to give them a wishlist on Steam: it makes a big difference.

Read more: 10 Amazing Games You Should Add To Your Wishlist Right Now

There’s bound to be at least one game here that has you checking its release date and wishing it was sooner, unless you’re that person in the grays who feels the need to tell the whole universe that he actually thinks they all look terrible. We are sorry for you, that person. Just a pity, really. For everyone else, woo-hoo, let’s go!

stuffed fox

falling border

Every time I see a space-based RTS that looks as cool as Falling Frontier, I think, “This will be the one!” This will be the game where I conquer my fear of menus!” And then I fail. But maybe it will be this one, because damn it looks awesome. Already four years in the making, by just one human, this appears to be from a team of 100 people at Paradox. Watch these spaceships explode! It’s about taking over a procedurally generated star system, with intelligence and logic as the main factors. But then , you can also design your ships, attack enemies, and do all that amazing space layering stuff that I wish I had developed a brain for.

Developer: Stutter Fox Studios

Release date: 2023

Wishlist here

Marijenburg

Invoice

You, a squirrel named Bill who is good at crafts, come across a baby alien in your backyard who needs your help! It’s a tale as old as time itself. The result, Bill, is a simulation game where you have to craft, grow, and organize everything the baby alien needs to survive. And that’s it for exploring the notions of recycling. What’s the weirdest elevator pitch, and yet it looks like it could be adorable.

Developer: Marijenburg

Release date: TBA (demo in February 2023)

Wishlist here

rare byte

We are screwed up

Take this one around: a 1-4 player co-op game about attempting to maintain a spaceship under calamitous circumstances, but also in split-screen where you see both the inside and the outside of your ship. Yeah. People will be able to take on different roles on the ship, from captain to janitor, as everything goes wrong on board while trying to defend themselves against enemies. It’s all about chaos and multitasking, or as I prefer to describe it, team failure.

Developer: Rarebyte

Release date: 2023

Wishlist here

Something Classic Games

Quartet

Quartet feels like an incredibly faithful classic-style JRPG, but with a new twist on its turn-based combat system. Indeed, there are eight characters in this vignette above, but you fight with four at a time, able to tag characters inside and out as appropriate. It’s also a quartet of stories, four to choose from, played in any order you want, and of course in Octotraveller fashion, they intertwine as you play them all. It’s an ambitious project for an independent team of five, but it looks like they’re doing it.

Developer: Classic Games of Something

Release date: 2023

Wishlist here

Two And A Half Studios

Dreamer

This man has a very small head. That said, this is Dreambound, a visual novel that just had a Kickstarter hit (raising over $30,000), giving everyone the chance to watch handsome young men staring nostalgically at each other. It’s booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. On top of that, there are also mysterious deaths, dreams invading reality, and demons from the past to contend with, for lead character Noah, in what already sounds like a very pleasantly drawn and written adventure.

Developer: Two And A Demi Studios

Release date: Early 2024

Wishlist here

High air entertainment

tidal sky

Hello, look at this! It feels like that too rarely explored sweet spot between point-and-click adventure and RPG. Sky Of Tides is a sci-fi story set in a civilization on the brink of war, telling the personal story of Rin, searching for his missing father and, you know, saving the planet Numen. (NUMEN!) It promises that your decisions will determine your character, as you explore the isometric world, and honestly, I already want to play it.

Developer: Lofty Sky Entertainment

Release date: 2nd quarter 2023

Wishlist here

Pavonis Interactive

Terra Invicta

Elsewhere in space… Terra Invicta is another super deep space sim, this one immediately reminding me of Stellaris, but with a much more specific focus: Earth. This is from a group of modders best known for XCOM: Long War. The success of this mod sent them pro, and Terra Invicta is their first commercial game, a geopolitical space exploration simulation, where you prevent (or even aid) an alien invasion of our home planet. The game has been out in early access for a few months and is proving very popular with Steam reviewers, thanks to its complexity and scale.

Developer: Pavonis Interactive

Release date: Available now (early access)

Buy it here

seudo nimm

The blocks are shooting at you

An Arkanoid-like, but the blocks you hit shoot you! How is that not already a thing. (I think you’ll find, in fact, that there was an example of this on the Amiga Rupture 3400 in Germany, in the parallel dimension of Raaaaaaa – That Guy.) The Blocks Shoot At You seems like such an obvious idea , but I’ve never seen it before: Bullet Hell Breakout. It looks like it could be my new obsession, which I’m infinitely terrible at.

Developer: seudo nimm

Release date: to be determined

Wishlist here

Amon26

Phobolis: show your teeth

I love it when I can’t quite tell if it’s a mean video trailer or a retro FPS trailer. It’s quite a scene right now. Phobolis fits right in, its squeaky trailer first looking like a crumbling VHS video that will curse your grandkids, then morphing into a grimy old-school shooter. You can pick up the alpha test version of the game via Itch for a dollar, or wait until the following year when they plan to release.

Developer: Amon26

Release date: Early 2024

Buy the alpha version here

Recombobulator Games

space ship

Call me a sucker, but I can’t resist a game about a space cat sleuth who investigates a crime on an interstellar cruise ship populated by sentient carpets. As Domino, Says Detective Cat, you explore the ship in third person, trying to catch a jewel thief. It’s presented so superbly down-to-earth, given the ridiculous premise, as you’ll see in that full half hour of gameplay in the video above.

Developer: Recombobulator Games

Release date: to be determined

Demo and wishlist here

robot cat

Division zero

I can’t write one without including a deck of cards – there are laws. Zero Division is a cyberpunk approach, which promises to blend Magic: The Gathering with Slay The Spire. You choose three characters from a selection of nine, each with their own set of 40 cards. And defined bridge sizes mean no bridge thinning! Court! What draws me in is the combination of cards and epic 3D monsters and robots throwing their arms and weapons across the board. There’s a demo planned for Spring 23, and I’m definitely going to play it.

Developer: Robot Cat Limited

Release date: Winter 2023

Wishlist here

Sam Atlas

Extreme evolution: towards divinity

Always end up on an existential non-linear psychedelic platformer, that’s what my grandmother taught me. Not one to refuse sage advice, here is Extreme Evolution: Drive to Divinity from Sam Atlas, creator of the IGF Nuovo 2022 nomination, Space Hole 2020. Extreme Evolution looks so spectacularly screwed up, like David Lynch did The Lawnmower Man, and I think I’ll be dreaming about this brief trailer for the rest of my life. Oh my god that spider virus thing.

Developer: Sam Atlas

Release date: 2023

Wishlist here

Screenshot: Activision / Kotaku

Call of Duty’s battle royale mode, Warzone, is back. Whether you’re a battle royale vet or not, there are a number of things that make this mode unique, even compared to CoD’s last go at the genre. Here are a good chunk of tips to keep yourself and your crew alive out there in Al Mazrah, the latest CoD battle royale map.

You don’t need to buy Modern Warfare II

Warzone 2.0 is a free to play game. That said, by design or by extension of poor design, the UI in this game often makes you think you need to buy the full Modern Warfare II for a cool $70. I’m here to tell you that you don’t, and here’s how to navigate this clusterfuck of a menu system to get it to stop badgering you for three twenties and a ten.

There are (basically) four ways to play

If you’re like me and have typically avoided battle royales because they’re a bit too one-note and sweaty, rest assured that Warzone 2.0 offers a few different ways to play. The different modes certainly help mix things up a bit to keep it all fresh.

To start, there are standard Battle Royale Solos. I’m sure you know the drill with that one: It’s every soldier for themselves; ya gotta scavenge, survive, kill, rinse, and repeat.

Team modes, such as Duos, Quads, and Third-Person Trios (we’ll talk about “Unhinged” in just a sec) change up the BR experience from a lonely lethal trip to hell to one where players cover each other’s backs, plotting a course to victory.

Unhinged BR Trios, however, is arguably a different game unto itself. Using “Assimilation,” you can recruit enemies into your squad. This is somewhat available in the other modes with squads, but in duos and quads you can only ever fill your squad up to its starting max. In Unhinged mode, you can combine squads into a max of a six-person crew.

The pace and tone of the game is dramatically different because of this. In other squad modes, two teams spotting each other will devolve into a gunfight pretty quickly. Not here! Not only will you possibly hold your fire at first sight of an enemy to sus out whether they’re willing to join up and take on everyone else, but the hilarity of putting together a six-person crew to roll through buildings and towns is a very different and welcome spin on the old BR formula. Queue evil laughs. Here’s everything you need to know about teaming up with your foes.

That brings us to our fourth mode, the DMZ. Still in beta, I think it’s safe to say the rules are really yet to be written for this mode. But it’s pretty neat and you should check it out. The premise is quite simple: four squads of three players head out into Al Mazrah to loot, survive, and exfiltrate with the goods they found. It reminds me of a more streamlined, less punishing version of Escape From Tarkov. But don’t let your guard down, AI can be pretty tough, and other players pose a serious challenge. It can be a slightly less stressful mode than the full battle royale, however.

Headshots aren’t guaranteed one-hit kills (and the TTK can be quite high)

This one’s a double-edged sword. While I’m disappointed that the TTK of Warzone 2.0 feels a little higher than MWII’s full multiplayer, it also means you’re less likely to die (if you’ve got your wits about you, that is.)

Knowing that headshots aren’t guaranteed kills and that fully plated enemies will take several well-placed shots will change up how you move across the map. You’ll want to set up more aggressive ambush opportunities when you can. And unless you’re a crackshot with a great sniper rifle, it might be best to use that scope for reconnaissance first and combat second.

This may vary depending on your play style though. If you’re new, however, it’s something important to keep in mind.

Safe-cracking contracts are great to start out with

Open up that tac-map and you’ll see a ton of icons and other cool challenges to accomplish. The green walkie-talkie-lookin’ icons are contracts, and there are a few different ones.

In my experience, touching down near a safe-cracking contract (indicated by a safe dial icon on the green walkie talkie) and grabbing that as your first real objective in Warzone is a safer and more reliable way to earn loot and cash early on in the game.

Safe-cracking contracts ask you to bust open three nearby safes (with fucking bombs!). Not only will these safes spit out a bunch of loot, but clearing all three gives you a nice injection of cash you can use to buy a primary weapon from a Buy Station, or hang onto it to buy back fallen comrades. They’re also much safer (no pun intended) ways to start the match off. You’re not asked to hunt down anyone, or defend an area. Provided that you’re watching the circle closing in on you, you also have a generous amount of time to complete them. Splitting up (when it’s safe) will wrap the contract up even faster.

Cracking safes is the first item on my agenda every time I touch down.

Screenshot: Activision / Kotaku

Grab three-plate armor vests (and a larger backpack) as soon as you can

Remember the high TTK I warned you about? A three-plate armor vest will go a long long way to ensuring you’re not picked off unexpectedly. It’s one of the first things you should keep your eyes peeled for. They will appear randomly in loot caches, duffel bags, and other places where loot can be scored. Definitely stow an extra one in your backpack for your friends if you’re in a squad mode.

On that note, another key item to look out for is a larger backpack. Like the three-plate armor vests, these will be found randomly, but they will allow you to carry more stuff. Which, in a game mode that prioritizes survival and scavenging, can make a substantial difference in staying alive out there.

Pings in general can be a little hard to miss in this game. The color coding helps though.Screenshot: Activision / Kotaku

Call out teammate colors

If you’re in a squad, you’ll notice a different color assigned to each person in the lower left portion of the HUD. This is very handy if you have a teammate with a name you’re not sure how to pronounce (or perhaps don’t want to.) Saying “hey Green, let’s push up to the Buy Station. Blue fall back and cover us,” is quick, and it will match with the ping color each party member is using since it’s themed in the same way.

Call out POIs instead of pinging before jumping out of the plane

Warzone’s map and HUD can get very busy. And in the initial plane phase, friendly pings can be hard to spot, making coordinated drops tricky. Once you’re out of the plane, however, your pings will be themed to your specific color, which is a lot easier to spot.

I’ve found that calling out a specific region for your team to focus on before jumping and then pinging a specific location within that area to be a far more effective strat. It makes it clear to your team where you’d like to go, but it also makes changing course based on other enemy placement much easier.

Were you raised in a barn? Close the damn door behind you (and stop smashing windows!)

I get it. As a former disaffected, closeted trans youth, I reveled in smashing glass, arson, and property damage. It’s fun! But it’s also a great way to let someone know you’re camping out in a building in Warzone 2.0. Be respectful of the vast amount of empty buildings you and your squad mates are smashing through. And close doors behind you!

Try to avoid breaking glass when possible. Nothing says “SOMEONE’S IN HERE” like a shattered window. Same with open doors. As Sam Fisher said in Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory: “I’ve seen more men killed in doorways than any other place combined.” An open door is the perfect place to get murdered in; and leaving it open just signals to every enemy: “oh hey, I’ve been through here” or “I’m in here.” Maybe you want to invite disaster like that, but I like staying alive to at least reach the top 10 in the match. If you do too, be a dear and shut the fucking door.

The AI isn’t fucking around

Warzone 2.0’s enemy AI (active in strongholds in battle royales, and large in number in DMZ) will kill you dead if you aren’t careful. This is no shooting gallery; while they may not have the tactics and response of a real player, they are more than capable of downing you.

Keep in mind that in the DMZ they are your primary antagonists. In battle royale modes, they’re defending Strongholds that give you access to a Black Site key and your loadout. They’re meant to be a challenge and their damage output is no joke. It’s not a bad idea to treat them as equal of a threat as a real player.

Start out with smaller supply runs in DMZ (also, don’t sleep on this mode)

Time will tell how popular DMZ gets with the CoD world, but there’s no denying that it’s an interesting mode that takes advantage of the very large map of Al Mazrah. Every time you die in this mode, though, you’ll lose everything you’re carrying; and if you die too often, you’ll be forced to enter without any weapons once you’ve lost them all.

For this reason, it’s a great idea to start out small in the DMZ. Aim to stock up on weapons and and other useful equipment. Nuclear Waste Material contracts are a solid way to spend your time and earn some cash to exfil with. Grab one or two of those, pick up some weapons from fallen enemies, and exfil early to stock up. You can always go back to take on the more challenging elements of this hybrid PVE/PVP mode when you’re better equipped.

Prioritize reconnaissance equipment

Warzone 2.0 will give you plenty of fun toys to kill your enemies with, but knowing where your opposition is before they’ve spotted you is essential to staying alive. Plan to stock up on a lot of Recon Drones, Tactical Cameras, and UAVs. These can be purchased at a Buy Station or found randomly out on the map. The Heartbeat Sensor is also great for getting a sense of who’s around.

Intelligence is just as important as lethality.

Turn your mini map rotation off

I expect opinions to diverge wildly on this one, but hear me out. In Warzone 2.0 you can choose to have your mini map rotate with you or stay fixed. I’m here to tell you to lock it down and set it to “Off” under “Mini Map Rotation.” You can find this setting in the “Interface” options. Why? It makes team callouts far easier—especially when you’re spectating.

Yes, Warzone 2.0 has, like MWII, a very handy compass with specific directional numbers for you to find your way and shout precise locations out to teammates. But by locking your map, the top of the map is true north. That means you can call out “Buy Station west,” “ammo supply North” as it naturally lays on the map.

In the same settings, you can also choose to have the map display as a square or circle.

Turning off rotation might not be for everyone, but at least give it a solid try.

Playing close to the circle is a viable strategy, but watch your six!

That’s what they say in the militaries, right? “Watch your six?” Code, it seems, for watching your back, it’s sound wisdom in a battle royale, especially if you’re hugging the closing circle’s edge. And, honestly, you totally should play that way when you can. That said, you’re likely not the only player to be doing that, so, ya know, keep your head on a swivel for enemies who are moving further into the map as well.

Playing close to the circle gives you something to time your movements to. It also means that when you’re closing into the final few moments in the game, you’ll have eyes on what’s going on in the center. Again, other people will likely be playing this strat too, so don’t let anyone sneak up on ya.

Claymores and proximity mines are a girl’s best friend

Take it from someone who’s clocked countless hours in Rainbow Six: Siege. The more noise an enemy can make when nearing your camping spot, the sooner you’ll know when and where they are. Set up claymores and proximity mines near a door (I hope you closed it behind you…) or by a window, just out of sight so the asshole who smashes a perfectly good window has a nice explosive surprise.

Explosives like these can easily kill someone sneaking up on your campsite. But in the event the enemy still lives, nothing says SOMEONE’S HERE like an explosion.

Resist the urge to hunt other players. Survival is the name of the game

I know, I know. Your KD is so big and so important. Guys tell me that all the time. But look, while I’m not going to tell you to not go out and kill people in a battle royale, the truth is you can win this game mode by prioritizing your life more than you prioritize your trigger finger. If you focus on gathering supplies and finding smart opportunities to jump the opposition, you’ll survive much, much longer.

Screenshot: Activision / Kotaku

Always Be Pinging

Every shooter has a damn ping system these days (thanks, Apex Legends. No, really, thanks!). Warzone’s, like others, has the option to point and ping, highlighting where you want to go or your enemy if you ping them (and the distance is quite generous on this too). Pinging is as simple as hitting the middle mouse button (or alt) on mouse and keyboard, or up on a d-pad.

If you hold the ping button, however, you’ll get a set of different contexts. Choose these as seem necessary. This same menu also lets you invite or request to join enemy squads.

Use your infinite parachute to clear ground fast

If you jump off something with enough elevation, you can deploy your chute. This is a great way to bail out of some bullshit or get some more distance from the circle. That said, you can’t use your weapon when gliding, so use this with caution. The speed can really work to your advantage if you plan your movements right.

Also, if you’re trying to flee a bad situation and want to get to a neighboring building quickly, you can shoot out a window and parachute in there if you’re accurate and quick. But remember, you should only be breaking glass in case of an emergency.

You can ping from the map too!Screenshot: Activision / Kotaku

Plan your movements several steps ahead

This is likely good BR advice in general, but try to avoid aimlessly wandering around the map. Have a plan. Open your tac-map with caps lock (or M) on keyboard and select on controller. Take note of what locations and objectives are nearby. Knowing where you intend to go is key to keeping your attention sharp, and you can always bail on the plan if shit hits the fan.

Keep proximity chat on!

I’m a woman with a sometimes boomy voice. Gaming spaces are hardly a place I’d like to be heard. But, hey, proximity chat in this game is a damn gem. Having it on will let you hear folks before you see them (Yeah, I hear you talking about your dinner plans. That restaurant you’re going to sucks, btw). It’s also an opportunity to toy with their heads. It can also be really fucking hilarious. I mean, just look at this bullshit!

Maybe there’s a god after all!

Stay in the air for a bit. It will give you time for…extracurricular activities

Not every fast-paced shooter gives you enough time for a toke or two (or a shot!) Take the time to get high while you’re high. Let the other squares down there kill each other so you can drop down in a wonderfully happy mood to just take their shit.

And on that note…

Just hide until the end and find a cheap way to kill the last person

God is dead. Do what you want.

Look. If I wanted a real competition, I’d play a sportsball. I’m certainly not looking to be competent in anything (and by the end of a match I’m far too high anyway).

I’m playing to avoid the gulag, not get kills. High kill counts are for losers and try-hards. If that upsets you, you can cry about it as I fly away in the chopper in the closing scene.

Be cheap. Revel in trash. Take pride in being a slacker; life’s too short to play things straight.

Image: eUnited/Microsoft

Tyler “Spartan” Ganzaone of the best professional Halo Infinite players in the world, has voluntarily benched himself for the remainder of the game’s scheduled season, alleging that his team, eUnitedrestrains him from contracting under “inadmissible and oppressive” conditions.

Following the hectic rollout of Halo Infinite’s second season earlier this month, Ganza was one of the game’s most vocal pro-class critics. On social media, he skewered many failures of the update— focusing on how the patch introduced a bug that blocked guns—and did it with, uh, colorful language. He was fined $2,500 by the Halo Championship Series (HCS) organization, which cited a violation of the professional gamers’ code of conduct. eUnited followed that up with its own fine: $750.

But, he says, a $3,250 hit isn’t the reason he’s (temporarily) hanging up his hat.

“I’m officially on the bench. I would like to make it clear that I put myself here and it was no one’s choice but my own,” Ganza written in a TwitLonger statement early Saturday morning, adding, “It has absolutely nothing to do with the beautiful debacle.”

Ganza’s choice to bench is rooted in soap opera-worthy drama dating back to the start of Halo Infinite’s pro season, which officially kicked off in December. At that month HCS Major in Raleigh, North Carolina, eUnited performed well, finishing second. (Cloud 9 went gold.) Two months later, at HCS Major in Anaheim, CA, eUnited came third. (Cloud 9 also won gold at this event.)

The drop in performance could be attributed to a number of factors – the performance of sports teams fluctuates all the time – but Ganza attributed it to insidious behind-the-scenes dealings by eUnited. According to Ganza, teammate Ryan “Ryanoob” Geddes lobbied to sign veteran Halo and Call of Duty pro Matt “Formal” Piper. As for who Piper would theoretically replace? Nick “KingNick” Panzella. (Panzella and Ganza are known as eUnited’s tight-knit player duo.)

In the end, eUnited never made a transaction; Panzella is still on the starting roster and Piper is currently part of Optic Gaming’s Infinite lineup, having replaced longtime Halo pro Justin “Pistola” Deese. But the damage was done.

“Since then, the whole team dynamic has taken a hit,” Ganza wrote. “We have little or no trust in each other. Trust is out the window.

Last month Major HCS in Kansas City, the most recent pro event for Halo Infinite, eUnited finished in fourth place. Ganza said that following the Kansas City event, he has since garnered interest from other Halo Infinite esports organizations, but did not specify which teams have expressed interest. Ganza’s attorney and representative, Nate Drexler, told Kotaku in a statement that Ganza held a phone meeting with eUnited last Wednesday and requested that he be released from the contract. Apparently, a member of the team’s management suite allegedly told Ganza, “I won’t let you go anywhere. You are not exchangeable. You’re not for sale, and I won’t back down and let you go anywhere. You will only play for eUnited this season.

In a statement on Saturday afternoon, eUnited confirmed that it had indeed expressed “interest” – presumably from other organizations – but had not yet received a “formal takeover offer”. Ganza called the statement “laughable”.

“Tyler has made it clear that he will not be required to perform,” Ganza’s attorney and representative Nate Drexler told Kotaku in a statement. “We have seen that before from him. He doesn’t want to be silenced and he doesn’t want to be forced to play. We hope to find a solution that gives him the opportunity to play in a more favorable situation with another organization.

In a tweet, Ganza mentioned his demands amounted to having Geddes kicked off the starting roster. Geddes did not respond to Kotaku’s request for comment.

The whole situation has sparked a bit of a PR fire for eUnited, which has recently made inroads as one of Halo’s biggest pro teams. Over the weekend, the hashtag #FreeSpartan gained momentum on Twitter. (Some fans misinterpreted it as #FreeSpartywho: lol.) On Reddit, Halo esports fans seem to get it the business motivations behind these decisions, but largely say they would rather see eUnited let Ganza go to another team. Like noted by Hayden Oberg of Dexetro, there’s even cross-discipline support for Ganza: a handful of professional Counter Strike: Global Offensive players have publicly lent their support.

In the interest of “objectivity” and “fairness” and those other journalistic “values”, it’s probably not for me to pass judgment here. But if you ask me as a simple person, yes, based on the information that’s publicly available, I guess I don’t see why eUnited can’t let him go. Dude is clearly not happy at eUnited and the team’s performance has steadily declined over the season, seemingly as a direct result of clashing personalities. At this point, unless, say, the contractual details are revealed, it seems like a small decision at best. And it’s not just Ganza who loses here! He’s really fun to watch in competition; ensuring he can’t play for the rest of the season means viewers lose out too. Additionally, letting him go to another organization could give eUnited management a chance to build a roster with better synergy. (Deese, for what it’s worth, says he is “grinding and staying in Halo shape for any opportunities that arise in the future.”)

Anyway, here’s Ganza and Drexler’s statement in full:

On May 14, Tyler announced he was benching. Tyler received strong interest from another Halo organization and asked his organization if he could be released from his contract as he was unhappy with his current situation. A few days before the Anaheim LAN tournament, Tyler discovered that his organization was trying to get one of his teammates replaced without his knowledge. Subsequently, the team lost its cohesion and Tyler based his decision on his inability to perform under the circumstances.

Regarding the contract, eUnited stated unequivocally that they would not move Tyler, then curiously announced that they were working with Tyler and trying to find a solution that worked best for all parties. We are contractually obligated not to provide details of the eUnited contract, but several attorneys are reviewing the contract as we believe certain terms are impermissible and oppressive.

Tyler made it clear he wouldn’t be forced to play. We have already seen this from him. He doesn’t want to be silenced and he doesn’t want to be forced to play. We hope to find a solution that gives him the opportunity to play in a more favorable situation with another organization.

Tyler was on the phone with eUnited last Wednesday. The call was on loudspeaker and it has a witness who can attest that the EU leadership said: ‘I won’t let you go anywhere. You are not exchangeable. You’re not for sale, and I won’t back down and let you go anywhere. You will only play for eUnited this season. If I have to bench you for 4-5 months and give you replacement pay and you’ll be out of Orlando and Worlds. I have done this to other players before and will do it to you.

Oddly enough, the EU management told Tyler and myself (with another lawyer present) that they would “never” retain a player from their organization who didn’t want to be there. This was before the signing of the contract. He said that to Tyler on the phone. He told me on the phone, and at the time he told me there was a second attorney on the same call. He gave assurances.

That said, the change in posture is alarming and unprofessional and we will continue to review the contract and seek all available remedies available to Tyler. In the meantime, he will continue to sit on the bench being paid next to nothing, and we will continue to monitor offers from other organizations.

Drexler added that he spoke to eUnited, which is “always looking for trades [or] takeovers that will be mutually beneficial to all parties. Representatives for eUnited did not respond to Kotaku’s request for comment.

I’m in charge of the website this weekend, which means I can convey my suffering to you under the guise of content. I am sorry.

Surely you are familiar with “Chug Jug with You”, a Fortnite-themed parody of “American Boy” by Estelle and Kanye West. If somehow you’re not, or you just want to hear that fucking thing again, here it is:

The above version is from 2018, but the song came back to life a few months ago thanks to its viral spread on TikTok, which I’m too old to figure out how to use, but I love to laugh at those who end up on my Twitter feed. While the moment for the song seems to have come and gone, has it ever really gone?

No.

This particular interest in “Chug Jug With You” started this morning when I made the mistake of scrolling through Facebook. A friend had posted the unusual message to them: “10 victims on the board right now have just destroyed Tomato City.” Are you playing Fortnite ?! I started commenting enthusiastically – as a Fortnite resident of Kotaku I spend a lot of time trying to get my friends to play Fortnite with me, which they hardly ever do.

But while typing, I thought to wait, is Tomato Town still in the game? It was then that it hit me, with trembling force: my friend had written a lyric excerpt from “Chug Jug With You”. It was all downhill from there.

Things turned out exactly as you expected: I remembered how weird and not-funny-but-is-actually-funny-oh-no-it’s-actually-funny -is-it-not-expect-no-that- is not correct, the song is, so I searched for it on youtube, then my friend shared a vtuber cover so i watched that, and now the song is going through my head on an unstoppable loop. Because my brain is only invested in making my soul miserable, then I thought I was wondering if I could learn to play this song on the guitar. This led to researching the “American Boy” chords, which I was happy to learn as all chords I know of. Then I searched YouTube for “Chug Jug song acoustic guitar”. YouTube, of course, is full of guitar lessons for the song, as well as TikTok duets with John mayer cover it up (remember John Mayer ?!). So of course I had to check it all out, with a few detours to remember John Mayer before I got back on track, and now it’s hard to write this blog because I keep typing the words “Chug Jug With You “instead of anything I’m trying to say.

Fortunately-slash-alas, I can’t learn to play “Chug Jug With You” on guitar yet. I chipped off the nut (that’s what it’s called, let’s get ripe here) around the high E string of my guitar, so now the chords played on the first fret sound like crap. A friend offered to fix it if I could do what I thought was the simple task of measuring the nut and buying a new one. But none of the measurements I get on my tape measure seem to match the available parts I can purchase, so I just delayed the task until I could determine if I am poorly able to measure or if my guitar is weird. I can still play guitar if I use a capo, but “Chug Jug With You” doesn’t require a capo, and I could use one anyway, but it won’t sound the same and then I’ll be all hooked up if it sounds weird from the capo or because I’m too crazy about the guitar for someone who has apparently been playing it for so long.

(If you can cover “Chug Jug With You” on the instrument of your choice, please share it in the comments.)

This guitar digression is exactly what’s wrong with, but also so awesome, stuff like “Chug Jug With You”. The random flash point of a friend’s Facebook post not only resurrected the song in my brain, but sent me a rabbi of YouTube musicians and Twitter memes and guitar research and thoughts on the course of my life itself, opening up unrelated facets of my world. which are nevertheless bound by “Chug Jug With You”. There is so much crammed into the song – too many Fortnite landmarks, too many words in general – that almost anything can remind you of it at any time. Although his TikTok broadcast and articles on his TikTok broadcast have stopped, he’s still hiding there, ready to pounce on your gray matter.

Plus, let’s face it, this is the perfect time in world history for “Chug Jug With You,” or at least my world experience. Pandemic lockdowns have ruined my brain, making sustained tasks like reading and writing difficult, if not impossible. These days when I’m not working I watch TV shows I’ve seen a million times again – maybe I’m on my fifth tour through BoJack Horseman – because my brain can barely chain complex thoughts and my emotions can. I can’t handle media where I don’t know what happens next. The harmless and familiar eye-catching character of “Chug Jug With You” makes me feel safe, in a world where unknown things are constantly waiting to blind me with their horrors. Her absurd memetic spread makes it hilarious in that absurd and messy way the best things on the internet are now that I spend all of my conscious hours trapped inside with her. When I can see other people again, I’m sure someone will say something at random and I will helplessly drop a saying of “Chug Jug With You” like the Twitter trending sidebar my brain has become. And maybe everyone will laugh and then I will shut up, thinking about all the tolls this time took on those of us who survived it, thinking about how something incredibly stupid like Maybe “Chug Jug With You” helped me. It also reminds me of how much everyone has sacrificed, how that squeaky-voiced call for camaraderie and adventure is cringe-worthy in his serious maybe, but also, really, that’s it. what many of us have wanted for a year.

Either way, enjoy the song.